my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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