Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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