fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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