Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
