so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
