I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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