I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
