i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize