youre lurking in front of me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
