complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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