Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
