dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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