probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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