Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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