Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
