I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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