Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Send help, water and tortillas.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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