We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
