I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
