You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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