Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
