I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
