if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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