What did we do last night that was yellow?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
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