Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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