i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
