Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
