You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
