my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
