"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
bring money and cleavage
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
