mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
