im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he thought i was a dude.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
