How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
whose ass print is on the piano?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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