last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
