I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize