bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
