Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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