Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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