Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
