If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
