Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You just made me feel so damn special
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Houston, we have a squirter
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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