my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
