Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
