Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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