You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
