i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
