1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
