Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
