I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
