halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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