I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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