went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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