Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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