having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
