i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
