Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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