I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
