Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We had to coat check the pizza.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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